Letters

A few years ago, my friend Jon Marcus and I played a little game with each other that we liked to call “Letters”. The concept is fairly simple. You initiate an IM conversation in the voice of some character who says something funny and then terminate the chat with “Signed, Person So and So”. Here are a few examples:

SETRETT4: Dear Jonathan,
You are sucking all of the energy from my life. Have you ever considering becoming a Metroid?
Sincerely,
Zebian Space Pirates

USFJonny: Dear Michael,
USFJonny: It occurs to me that you do not know enough about magic. How about coming to my training school. Also you are pretty hot, for a non-vegetable.
USFJonny: Sincerely,
USFJonny: The Eggplant Wizard

SETRETT4: Dear Jonathan,
SETRETT4: Life is a jungle where you live. Why don't you come north to where I am? We can engage in debauchery and complain about working conditions.
SETRETT4: Sincerely,
SETRETT4: Up-town Sin-clair

USFJonny: Dear Michael,
USFJonny: You look like you need to be hit with a chain.
USFJonny: Sincerely,
USFJonny: Guy with chain from River City Ransom

And so, for a while, it was all fun and games. But then Jon had the idea to send a letter to our mutual friend Jordan Segal. In the letter, Jon references an acquaintance, Ed Bernstein. Ed arrived at a summer debate tournament I organized in 2003 wearing a straw hat and full mustache. He was in his thirties and looked like he’d walked straight off a riverboat. Jon wrote:

USFJonny: Dear Jordan,
Budisaffa: dear jonny
USFJonny: Your time period is a great deal of trouble, I need to drive to your era on my pennyfarthing and save the world from disaster. Do you have a couch I could crash on?
USFJonny: Sincerely,
USFJonny: Ed bernstein
Budisaffa: what?
Budisaffa: i am confused.
USFJonny: It is a letter to you, from Ed Bernstein
Budisaffa: why do you have it?
Budisaffa: also, i don't have any couches
Budisaffa: also who is ed bernstein?

Now, maybe it’s just me, but if I received a letter from a man who claims to have ridden a bike from another temporal epoch to “save the world from disaster”, my first response wouldn’t be to wonder how this letter wrongly ended up in someone else’s hands. I can also assure you that my second response wouldn’t have been to point out that I didn’t have a couch. It’s not as if Jordan would have been totally cool with the mustached imposition if only he had more furniture.

Well, as was to be expected, Jordan did not react well to the gag. Yet, we kept the heat on.

USFJonny: Dear Jordan,
USFJonny: You are not funny, but I will laugh if you give me some Trix.
USFJonny: Sincerely,
USFJonny: Lucky the Leprechaun

SETRETT4: Dear Jordan,
Budisaffa: NOT YOU TOO
SETRETT4: Nothing excites me quite as much as tasting the air. Perhaps I may do with my tongue and in your direction. I would enjoy such a cake-filled opportunity.
SETRETT4: Sincerely,
SETRETT4: The Lizard King

SETRETT4: Dear Jordan,
SETRETT4: If I had my way. I would recall YOU. I would recall you to the Stone Age, motherfucker.
SETRETT4: Sincerely,
SETRETT4: Gray Davis

SETRETT4: Dear Jordan,
SETRETT4: We would like to make a movie about your life, tentative title: When the Laughter Stops: The Jordan Segal Story. We are also considering: Sidekick and Someday I Will Be Played by Rueben Studdard: The Movie.
SETRETT4: Sincerely,
SETRETT4: The Motion Pictures Association of America
Budisaffa: I'm not unfunny!
Budisaffa: I am not a sidekick
Budisaffa: who is rueben studdard
Budisaffa: 1) i'm not black
Budisaffa: 2) i may be a 'big guy,' but damn
Budisaffa: 3) i cannot sing
Budisaffa: 4) i do not look like barry white
Budisaffa: 5) asshole

Budisaffa signed off at 12:30:58 PM.

USFJonny: Ooh he won't talk to us anymore
SETRETT4: He signed off too quickly.
SETRETT4: Fed Up: The Jordan Segal Memoirs
USFJonny: Fed Plenty: The Jordan Segal Memoirs

USFJonny: Dear Mikey,
USFJonny: I am sorry for Shazaam.
USFJonny: Your palm
USFJonny: Your pal,
USFJonny: Shaq
USFJonny: Dear Mikey,
USFJonny: Wasn't Shazaam an AWESOME movie?
USFJonny: Your pal,
USFJonny: Jordan

If we didn’t love Jordan so much, it wouldn’t be nearly as fun to play these games with him. But Jon and I began to wonder…if we could convince Jordan of outlandish impossibilities, what could we convince him of that he might actually start spreading around to other people? Our conclusion was to inform him that a mutual friend of ours (who we called J Po) had recently been awarded the Rhodes Scholarship. J Po is not a dumb guy, but he is CLEARLY not someone who would ever win the Rhodes. It seemed that this lie was too much for even Jordan to believe. As Jordan, Jon, and I instant messaged each other, I learned with my friend Adam how confusing trying to convince other people of lies could become:

SETRETT4: Anyway,
SETRETT4: Jon and I had this idea to convince Jordan of something ridiculous.
SETRETT4: So I concocted this story about how J Po won the Rhodes Scholarship.
SETRETT4: I created a fake IM conversation with Matt McMillan and everything.
aunikows: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
SETRETT4: Anyway, Jordan didn't believe it and I believe Jon spilled the beans that it wasn't true.
aunikows: jordan just IMed me to convince you of this fact
SETRETT4: What?
SETRETT4: Explain.
aunikows: jordan IMed me saying "please convince mike that j po was a rhodes scholar. jon and I are trying to fuck with him" or something to that effect
aunikows: YOU GUYS ARE SO SILLY AND CONFUSING ETC.
SETRETT4: wait wait wait
SETRETT4: Jon told me that he I were fucking with Jordan,
SETRETT4: and Jordan told me that he and I were fucking with Jon,
SETRETT4: so I thought I could fuck with both of them,
SETRETT4: but apparently Jon and Jordan are fucking with me? Check this out:
SETRETT4: USFJonny: Mikey, I have convinced Jordan to pretend he believes the J Po thing. He thinks we are going to turn it back on you, but, in fact, I will betray him and pretend he was just a sucker and that I never got him to agree on any such thing
SETRETT4: Budisaffa: jon wants me to make you think that i believe you're whole j po thing, so if he asks, tell him that i said i believe you
SETRETT4: I don't know what to think.
aunikows: I am too confused

Later, I was able to convince Jordan that I used to ride around on a lion as a child. But that’s a story for another day.

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