No one does it anymore, do they? I haven't heard of movies in the past three years (at least) where a major role is played by an animal. I seriously think that we are regressing socially if we underrepresent animals in movies. Think of how great it was in the past!

Usually, when the makers of films think that the lead actors themselves aren't really great enough to hold the attention of the public, they bring along some dumbass animal so that different reactions can be expected from different age groups and IQ groups: kids love animals, those dumbasses will eat it up. Remember, these are the same life-forms that don't mind watching My Little Pony. (Yes, I must confess...) The illiterates will just stare open-mouthed and eat ANYTHING up, so they might actually find some of the animal scenes funny, especially scenes where the elephant drinks all the rasam and then replaces it with hot hatti ka mutti which the comedian proceeds to drink with relish, thinking it is hot rasam. Not that I am against toilet humour (on the contrary, I love Terrence and Philip for example), just that this particular movie pissed me off. Maybe I will explain somewhere on this page.

Anyway, as I was saying, when you decide that just the names of the lead actors and actresses alone can not bring in the crowds, when you think that there is a huge lack of story and plot in the movie you are making, what do you say? "Ey, Ghanshaam! Jumbo Circus ko phone lagaa!".... Example: yes, here I come. That BASTARD no-talent ASS CLOWN who was called the "Vettri Director" in Tamil Nadu in the early 90s, who made lots of money (apparently) from movies featuring that whiny bitch Baby Shamali (she played Anjali in Anjali, and I have hated her right from then on. That movie sucked ass, by the way. The music sucked ass, too. The whole idea sucked ass, the only person in the movie that did NOT piss me off too much was Raghuvaran. The movie was made employing a tactic similar to the animal angle: use a small kid, and people's hearts will melt, and their pockets will develop holes.) - these movies ALSO featured a random combination of elephants, horses, snakes, pigs, monkeys, buffalo, donkeys and the "comedian" Senthil.

Some other times, you make up a story about animals and THEN realize that if its just animals on the screen, the people aren't going to buy it, and it might not be a blockbuster, so you pay a ridiculous amount of money to famous movie actors to get them to star in this movie with the animals. Example: of COURSE! Kakaji's hit film, Haathi Mere Saathi. There was another movie during the same time which featured Dharmendra, it was called Maa, I think. The whole plot of the movie revolved around the premise that maternal tendencies exist in animal communities (elephant herds in particular) as well. Unfortunately, the public missed the point it was making about the social situation of a bunch of pachyderms that were being hounded by Dharmendra and his poachers or something, so this movie did not do as well as the Khanna pachyderm project.

Wait - ah hah! You thought I was going to forget, weren't you? Of COURSE NOT! Another movie of this time - this one more famous, in spite of the fact that the lead actor in this movie wasn't really anyone famous at the time - involved a WHITE ELEPHANT! Yes, I am talking about the magaaaaaaan movie, Safed Haathi. I think Doordarshan played this movie every weekend that they couldn't get the reel for some other movie. But - I don't think I should complain too much. This movie DID have that dumbass kid who kept calling the elephant Airavat (like the white elephant of Lord Indra), but it had special appearances by so many magaaan people... take for example, Shatrughan Sinha - he was playing the character of Shikari Raja (King of Hunters), complete with theme song - "Shikari Raja aaya re! (Aaya re!)" that we used to manipulate into "Bhikari Raja aaya re! (Aaya re!)"... I can't believe that as a kid I watched this movie more than once. I can NOT believe this piece of shit movie did so well. But: I have to admit, the special appearances are amazing. Then, there's the greatest appearance of all: VIJAY ARORA as the director of the movie starring the kid with his white elephant... I remember that one scene where he's trying to seduce the kid into making a movie or something - and he bribes the kid... "Eh! Heh! (smiles showing all his teeth) Yeh lo, beta! Chaaak-late!" and of course the last scene of the movie is with Arora behind the camera, with a very satisfied smile on his face, yelling, "CUT!"

That stupid fucking Baby Shamali movie again with the elephant, maybe the elephant belongs to some other girl in the village. Anyway, for added comic relief, the elephant is a Silk Smitha fan in the movie, and stops to listen to "Nettu Raatri, Tookam Pochudi" all the time, and ends up almost not being able to save the heroine from rape - so she makes him swear that he will never get distracted by Silku ever again. Poor Gajendra.

Elephants have been in soooooo many movies. Forget movies, remember the 80s TV series, Appu Aur Pappu?! I think nowadays the only TV serial on Doordarshan that has a famous animal (of sorts) is Raja Aur Rancho. But, I don't really watch DD, so I could be wrong. The name Rancho is hilarious. Its so close to bancho...

What about Man's Best Friend?

Tinkle, the magazine that I used to read regularly (and still would, I'm sure, if I came across it, inspite of all the stupid-ass Suppandi and Kalia The Crow stories), featured another favourite canine of mine - Dog Detective Ranjha (DDR, as Subroto calls it) - that dog was so cool. He was an Alsatian, wasn't he? He was so cool. Its cheesy now, and if someone says DDR, I burst out laughing. But how did dogs do in the movies?

Betaab. Sunny and Amrita's first film, I think? Or maybe Sunny's first film was Sunny. I saw Betaab in the theater, too. It was probably 1982 or '83, right? Sunny Deol had this dog called Bozo (that's also its real name by the way) - that saves his life in the end or something like that. But Sunny kept calling it "Buzo" throughout the movie, as if he couldn't really pronounce something that simple.

The record for the longest and most important role for any canine has to go to that dog that played Jackie Shroff's best friend in Teri Mehebaaniyan. I think both Jackie and Poonam are killed in the first half of the movie (alright, so Poonam dies after the interval maybe, trying to save herself from rape now that Jackie is dead), and the rest of the movie just deals with how the dog brings the villains to justice. I remember that at the end of the movie, there's also a snake that's guarding the video camera in the Shiva temple! But - we have to finish talking about dogs first. This dog takes the cake, give it a medal! This movie was actually popular, inspite of the fact that the second half only featured the dog!!!! How cool is that?! It also featured the nagma, Teri meherbaniyan, teri kadardaniyan....

[Update, 2005]: Since this page was originally written, Shakti Kapoor is starring in a sequel to Teri Meherbaniyan!

Coming to snakes. India has this big thing with snakes, right. The whole thing about Icchadhaari Naags, the Naag Mani and such stuff. The original Nagin didn't have snakes in major roles, just dog-whirling tribes of Nagas, I remember. The only place that a snake shows up is when Vaijayanthi Mala gets bit by a snake and then Pradip Kumar has to sing "O Zindagi Ke Dene Wale"... right? But: the snake was just beginning to rear its hood in Indian cinema, so to speak.

The problem with snakes: India doesn't have enough rubber trees to produce enough rubber snakes enough for snake movies.

That didn't stop people from making snake movies.

In the seventies came the second movie named Nagin. This one really featured Reena Roy as an Icchadhaari Nagin who spends the whole movie exacting revenge from a group of people for having killed her lover (played by Jeetendra, I think?!) when they were snakes. I recently saw this VHS at the neighbourhood Video Americain! Maybe my roommates would want to see it? Hmm.

The DEFINITIVE snake movie was, much as I hate to admit, the Sridevi starrer Naginaa. Rishi Kapoor falls in love with the Icchadhaari Nagin while the Taantrik Baaba Bhairavnath (Amrish Puri) is trying to seek her out so that he can have the famed Naag Mani. This movie became so famous, in fact, that Sridevi became the number one actress in Bollywood for a while. So much so, that, after a few more movies [Chandni], she started threatening Madhuri Dixit's number one position. Personally, I don't know how people could prefer the stupid ugly Tam nosejob bitch to the Goddess herself, Madhuri. Meendum Kokila, my ass! Naginaa became soooo popular, in fact, that the makers decided to squeeze some more money out of the idea - they came up with a sequel! That's another reason that this movie was one of a kind. Most Hindi films don't have sequels. Nagina Part II: Nigaahen was released two years later, maybe? It starred Sunny Deol as the lover and Anupam Kher as Gorakhnath, pupil of Bhairavnath. This movie didn't do so well, but I do remember that it had the great magaaaan Mohd Aziz nagma, "Saawan Ke Jhoolon Ne". (or was it Shabbir Kumar? I always confuse those two)

Subroto's comment: The makers of the first movie were WARNING the public NOT TO WATCH THE MOVIE, even in the title. They were saying, "Nagi! Na!"

Other snake movies that I can recall: those stupid trilogy-esque movies that Gulshan Kumar made with Avinash Wadhwan. Aaye Milan Ki Raat, etc. Those movies had SOMETHING to do with snakes, I don't know (of COURSE I didn't see them, dumbass!)... Subroto told me that the makers of the 70s film Nagin decided to club another movie (Jaani Dushman, featuring Sanjeev Kumar as the eponymous Jaambvan-like monster) they made with this one and release a remake in 2002, called Jaani Dushman: Ek Amar Prem Kahani or something like that. He told me it had a lot of magaaan people in it, so maybe I will watch it and report on it someday.

Snakes have also been used over and over again just so that we can see some sucking and spitting... of blood, I mean! In Betaab, Amrita Singh gets bitten by one, and Sunny has to suck the blood and spit it out... countless movies have utilized the rubber cobra for such scenes. One movie that's in Marathi - don't remember the name - had Bhakti Barve singing some stupid song about Sanvsaar, Sanvsaar, and how you are supposed to burn your hands before you make the bhaakar - problem is, while she is singing this song, some cobra comes by and decides to set up camp right next to her son's crib. I don't remember what happens next, maybe the son dies, or maybe she prays to some God or something... ah, why the fuck don't you go watch it yourself! This song was overplayed on Doordarshan on Chitrageet, the Marathi version of Chaayageet/Chitrahaarthat used to come on every Friday. This song was invariably the last song.

Snake in a totally weird movie: Doodh Ka Karz. Aruna Irani decides that one human infant son sucking at her tits isn't enough, so she decides to give some of her milk to a baby snake - her late husband's pet snake - and the two kids grow up as brothers or something. The "karz" part of the movie is that the snake in the end saves the day, though I don't remember how.

Snakes, dogs, elephants. What else? Hmm... Monkeys! Remember the Mithun movie, Maa Kasam? I think it was another brother-brother thing. That monkey was his brother. It could drive a jeep, too. There was also a dog in the movie, sadly, in the same jeep. Monkeys have been used for comic relief since time immemorial. The monkey steals the heroine's shoes (or maybe I just imagined it)... you know, same shit, different animal.

Parrots? Don't get me started. Hate those things in the movies.

HORSES!!!!! Daku movies - there's always the faithful horse for the heros and villains sometimes, even. And let's not forget the horses invariably named something like Heera that always draw the tanga driven by the village bombshell (usually called Bijli), who drives the London-returned hero from the train station to Thakur Saab's Bungalow. Horses are ALWAYS subjected to chase scenes against jeeps. What the hell is that?! Is it some FOX special, "Who can run faster, a horse, or a Jeep Cherokee?"... speaking of chase sequences with horses, Baliga told me about this Kannada movie......

We've all seen chase scenes where the hero on the motorbike skids under a truck to get out of its way and leave the bad dudes in their Jeep behind him, the main villain slapping the driver and saying something like "Thik hai, drive AROUND the fucking truck!"... Baliga SWEARS that there's a Kannada movie where the hero during a chase sequence skids his HORSE under a truck (sound effect: gallop, gallop, gallop... screeeeccchhh!!! Neiggghhhh!!!!... - pause - gallop, gallop, gallop...). I hope I get to see that scene sometime, so that I will finally attain Nirvana.

Raghavan told me about another Kannada movie called Africa Dalli Sheela (Sheela In Africa, just a female-Tarzan movie, you guessed it - a softcore porn style film, just an excuse to get some chick with fat thighs in short shorts jumping around on horses and stuff).... The makers of this low-budget extravaganza decided that the movie would be set in Africa, but of course it was filmed somewhere in India. They wanted to remain true to the African Savannah, so they wanted Sheela to ride a zebra, not a horse. Of course, they didn't HAVE access to 1-800-RENT-A-ZEBRA, so that in one of the scenes, when Sheela rides towards the camera and dismounts from her "zebra", one can see black paint stripes on her inner thighs.

I almost forgot to include the contributions of just two films to the world of animals and in general towards the cockatoo and such bird population in the circuses. Rajshri's releases, Maine Pyar Kiya and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun! both included certain members of the animal kingdom as messengers. In either case, I would have shot the messenger (picture a smoking pistol in my hand, with me blowing the smoke away real cool, Inda Quick-Gun Murugan kitte idu ellam vecchukaade, da! Mind it!) and no one would have been the wiser. MPK featured the irritating kabootar (pigeon) stunt where pigeon-post is used to deliver a message from the girl inside a bungalow to a guy at a party. Kabootars are only supposed to home into places they have already been to, so you wonder, "How many messages has this girl sent people at that particular party?!"....

HAHK of course had that irritating pomeranian (I HATE toy dogs, I hate their owners more, because they dress them up and give them stupid haircuts, I pity those dogs) that not only plays the part of umpire in a family match, (Raju, did you read that?) but also ends up delivering the confessional letter in the end to the right people, thus ensuring that everyone goes back home happy (EXCEPT of course, that is,  Mohnish Bahl, who goes back to his lonely bedroom and visits Online Dating Service websites)...

So much more I could say about animals on film, but the sad fact is that they have gone away with the 80s. No one does huge animal movies anymore. What a shame! The circus is losing out to dumbasses like Hrithik Roshan.