| 1. Starts just like The Usual Suspects,
ending is different, stupid, and over-optimistic, doesn't gel with the
rest of the movie. |
| 2. Haha, the main titles claim
that
this movie is an "Inspired Movies" presentation. Ahahahahahahaha. |
| 3. Apparently, coppers in London
have American accents. |
| 4. ROCKER??? Sunil Shetty is
named
ROCKER???? WTF??? It's bad enough he changed his name to
Suneil Shetty! (maybe he's another one of those people we lost to the
idiotic numerology cult)... |
| 5. Someone in the movie wants to
carry out a "simple intORREgation"... are they Surds? |
| 6. CHIP??? WTF kind of name is
that
for someone who claims to be from India? A kind of name that would get
you kicked in the nuts, that's what kind of name it is. |
| 7. MONSOON IYER??? Aw come on,
she
doesn't look that bad, at least give her a REAL fucking name! It wasn't
enough that we had to tolerate bitches named Khushi in a couple of late
90s movies, now we have to deal with MONSOONs??! |
| 8. Holy shit, check out the size
of
Monsoon's.... alarm clock! Is that supposed to be symbolic? |
| 9. I like that the main title
says
this movie was WRITTEN by Rohit Malhotra and Vivek Agnihotri. I haven't
been a resident of India in six years, maybe they changed the meaning
of WRITTEN in Indian English to PHOTOCOPIED? |
| 10. I start to hear the theme
music,
and I'm immediately thinking... I have heard this tune before. Sure
enough, the credits claim that A. R. Rehman was in charge of copying
(Oh, I'm sorry, composing/creating) the soundtrack. Turns out the theme
tune is lifted from Tamperer's Feel It.
Actually, Anu Malik already copied it in 1998/1999 when it was fresh,
he used it in the title song to Jaanam Samjha Karo.
There's more... keep reading. And then, lie to my face and tell me how
you think A. R. Rehman is original. |
| 11. Anil Kapoor's intro -
hounded by
the press, he says something like, "Let truth prevail!" Kya cool, anna,
kya cool. If only you could SHAVE that stupid stubble and get a
haircut, you would look like you weren't still playing the retard from Eeshwar (or was
it Eeshu?),
the Hindi ripoff of Kamal Haasan's terribly irritating retard role. |
| 12. So Anil Kapoor has a white
secretary, and there's a philosophical moment between them in his
office that apparently has a view of the London skyline. He says
something like, "From here, London looks like a disco" and she says,
"Yes, but without the music". I have to hand it to them, I didn't
expect David Byrne-esque non-sequiturs. Maybe they would be more
believable if the secretary had an English accent instead of an
American one. |
| 13. Rich get-together has Dusty
Springfield look-alike singing in the background accompanied by random
guitar player. The voice dubbed over their song: "La la la la leee, la
la". How original. |
| 14. Anil Kapoor's face on the
cover
of an issue of GQ?
Ahahahaha... Aisa koi issue
nahin aata! |
| 15. Anil Kapoor: "Suddenly I'm
very
charged and very excited... not only emotionally, but also sexually".
Creepy. Keep it in your pants, Mister India, this is your first date
with the alleged criminals. |
| 16. Tanushree Dutta - scary ugly
bong-esque bitch. NO EXCUSE, repeat, NO EXCUSE for anyone with dark
skin to get blonde highlights. ESPECIALLY if they are as ugly as her. |
| 17. GRAMOPHONE? Just because
it's a
flashback to two weeks ago in 2004? Who the fuck even uses gramophones
anymore? Even my great-grandmother waves her iPod Nano in my face and
makes fun of my un-tech-savviness! |
| 18. "Khool" quote: "Micheal Jackson 8 saal ka bachcha itne sundar gaane compose karta tha..." "Isiliye bada hokar itni sundar aurat ban gaya, na?" |
| 19. Lispy businessman: "Beeth
hathaar poundth de thakta hoon if you compose a jingle in a day" (Business card says vivek agnihotri, what a masturbator. Who do you think you are, Hitchcock? Just because you make Anil Kapoor drop his name during the movie?) |
| 20. (World's Best Jingles
CD has some random thumps and beats) "Hamesha churaega ki original bhi kuch bajaayega?" "Chura kahan raha hai? Yeh to UTHA raha hai!" Fuck, that jingle sounds like a chootiya slow A. R. Rehman song... oh wait, it is. AND it's not original, it's lifted from Feel It. Well done, writers, you not only make the characters admit that A. R. Rehman is a copycat, you also try to justify it by claiming that LIFTING is somehow nobler than COPYING (Oh, there's a difference?) |
| 21. So, YOU WOULD PULL A GUN OUT
ON
SOMEONE WHO WAS JUST WHISTLING A TUNE YOU RIPPED OFF FROM TAMPERER THE
NIGHT BEFORE? |
| 22. "Darpok! CAAward!" Well try,
Tanushree, well try. Get your Bong-ity out into the open, bitch. |
| 23. Anil Kapoor tooting his
imaginary horn: "Maine jitne case jeeti hain tu gin bhi nahin sakta:
Hardcore ciriminals [sic], psychos, cannibals, serial killers, corrupt
governments, trade unions, sab!" |
| 24. Random overacting extra at a
club, to Sunil Shetty: "Akad to aise raha hai jaise yeh Murtaza Arzai
hai... Oh! Yeh Murtaza Arza hai!" Non-sequiturs again. Dumb, ham-acting
motherfuckers. |
| 25. Raj Zutshi the pimp?
Unbelievable. Definitely a very convincing homosexual with ice cream.
Sunil Shetty ke saath masti?! |
| 26. "Chip ne software design
kiya
[which was a clone of the bank's security software]". This so-called
security software for a bank in London, for some reason, zooms into the
map of Baja California. |
| 27. I don't get it, did Vivek
Agnihotri want sharks with freaking
laser beams on their heads for the truck scene, and didn't have
enough money? Is that the reason the lasers inside the truck are making
dolphin sounds? |
| 28. Wow, just because Irfan
Khan's
an artist, he can FORGE fingerprints?! In a matter of seconds?! |
| 29. SYSTEM ERROR - wrong
password.
Of course, you morons. Passwords are rarely negative numbers with
decimal places. |
| 30. Cool Arshad Warsi quote:
"Women
can fake orgasm why the hell can't they fake silence?" (Have to find
out where that's lifted from) Tanushree's response on the intercom:
"What the hell?" |
| 31. 20 billion pounds fit into a
backpack? |
| 32. "India se sab ke bare mein
fax
aa gaya hai. i think you'll find it very interesting." Indeed! They are
coming out of a photocopier. |
| 33. "Rock band bananeka idea
kiska
tha?" "Rocker ka" No shit, sherlock. So, let me guess. Fake Uncle Chipps ka packet bananeka idea CHIP ka tha, right? |
| 34. Anil Kapoor, listing the
suspects: "Sim, the sexy hookah (hooker)! PP the fohjah (forger)" |
| 35. Arshad Warsi, on seeing
Osama's
photo inside a cabin on the boat: "Kamaal hai yaar, aap bhi yehin hain?
Bush ko boloon kya? Cool!" |
| 36. The boat is called SEASPAN
III.
Hahahahaha. Get it? C-SPAN 3... Hahahaha. Another joke that is aimed at
an audience that probably won't ever watch this movie. This reminds me
of another subtle joke from Kabhi Haan Kabhi Na
(1993) - Shah Rukh's band is named The
Windows instead of the The Doors, get it? |
| 37. Recalling the events, not
necessary in chronological order: "Uske baad main behosh ho gayi. THEN
something hit me" |
| 38. 2 hours? That's all it
takes,
with a JURY (do they have juries in the UK?) and a black judge who
looks like Cleo of Call Cleo? |
| 39. Arbitrary bum reads GQ on the sidewalk and recognizes
Anil Kapoor?! What a discerning hobo. Keeping himself updated with the
latest in current affairs with a fine Gentleman's magazine. |