No, this is not a crash course on how to become a serious Indian film hero, inspite of what the title might suggest. I am just saying that sometimes we can learn this stuff just by watching other people do it.

I will just recall some scenes from Indian films that I have seen with the stupidest dialogues (dialogues I hope people in real life don't use - if they do, then I am waiting for you all-seeing Alien Masters to come take me away to another planet).

Examples of what I am talking about:
 

I don't remember the name of the film. The hero was Raj Babbar. The heroine COULD have been Rekha, although I'm not sure (it might be that I'm confusing it with this scene from Sansar) - it was definitely one of those "character actor" heroines of the 80s who could be found in such movies as this one - where once the hero dies, his wife has to suffer the "dar dar ki thokrein" while the sad theme of the film (usually sung by a guy) plays in the background, so that the sorrows can be portrayed as a montage. Anyway, this scene is when the husband (Babbar) is still alive, so those are happy times:

Raj Babbar has just returned from a "business tour", and he is happy to be home. So is his wife. There's happy music (with the sitar) in the background, and Raj Babbar goes into their bedroom. His wife is getting his clothes out of the closet, getting him ready for his shower.
Wife: Achcha ji, aap naha lijiye. Maine garam paani rakhkha hai...
Raj Babbar (slowly goes over to her and hugs her and speaks in a low voice): Arrey jaaneman, ab hamein garam paani ki nahin, garam SAANSON ki zaroorat hai!
(Wife blushes, with the usual IRRITATING uh-huh moan of Hindi and South Indian films, and the lights go out)

At which point, you are thinking, how the FUCK did they do that?! How the hell did they manage not to lose it and start laughing when they heard the dialogue coach (if there are such people in Indian cinema) say that line for the first time?! How did they react in their trailors (if there ARE such things in Indian cinema) when they read this piece of shit dialogue in the script for the first time?! How many retakes did it take to get it right, without the actor and actress guffawing laughter in the middle of this supposedly erotic scene?!!!! See? THAT's what I'm talking about! Let's look at some more examples.
 

The film: Disco Dancer, one of the greatest films I have ever seen in its entirety. I own this DVD, thanks to Raghu, who found it at Jackson Heights! This movie is soooo great that it probably deserves its own page, so I will get straight to the point and talk about this one scene that has to do with this page. Earlier in the movie, Mithun's debut show is ALMOST ruined by Evil disco dancer Karan (mmpphh hahahahaha) Razdan's sister played by Kim (who was sort of good looking, actually), but he manages to save the show with his awesome disco-dancing, singing and guitar playing (not to mention with the endless extras with huge afros in the back, playing all the random instruments they could find). Anyway, right after this scene, there's a scene where Mithun and Kim bump into each other on a very foggy day (said fog probably generated by a thousand dry ice buckets) in Observation Post (for those of you who don't know what Observation Post is, its a small park inside Aarey Milk Colony in Bombay, this is where most of the songs set in parks are picturized - many times, this was supposed to be "Kashmir" - gone are those days. Nowadays, everyone wants to go to Australia or some shit like that) - as soon as they meet, Mithun swears that one day, he will be famous and she will want his autograph. But that day, he won't sign her autograph with his pen, he will sign her lips with his own lips.

Later on in the movie, Kim's character realizes that she was haughty and she has started to like Mithun, who has by then forgotten about the promise he made her about the "autograph". So, anyway, Kim shows up at Mithun's house, and says she's sorry, and she would like to apologize for everything she has said and done, and that she likes him. She says, "Main tumse autograph lene aayi hoon"... but Mithun doesn't get it, and innocently says, "Lekin autograph book kahan hai?" Immediately, Kim blushes and bites one long fingernail between her teeth and looks down, and Mithun finally gets it.

Here's another scene.
 

This movie was called Mafia Raj or something like that. It starred Sunil Shetty. The scene we will be referring to has Alok Nath playing Sunil Shetty's dad. Now, I don't know what the deal is with Alok Nath. As Rob says in High Fidelity, "Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"... It is difficult for me to find out if Alok Nath was always this melodramatic, and that's why they chose him for Buniyaad, or maybe he played the melodramatic dad in Buniyaad and ever since then he has been stereotyped. Do you remember him before Buniyaad? I knew him before that show, but I don't know from what. I used to like Alok Nath for a while, but nowadays I just close my eyes whenever I see him. His scenes are typical. First, there's his voice. That soft kind of sighing voice that certain men have that makes you think they like young boys (and not just in the Olympian kind of way), that pleading look on his face that immediately turns his smile upside-down and stitches his eyebrows together (almost getting ready to say something like "Betey, yeh tum kya keh rahey ho... apne hi Dadaji se aisi baatein karte ho... shaayad tumhein yaad nahin..." etc etc)... With people like Alok Nath, even when they are angry (as angry as he gets with Salman Khan and his father in Maine Pyar Kiya towards the end)... Anyway, in Mafia Raj,  Alok Nath plays Sunil Shetty's dad, and he lives alone in the village while Sunil Shetty is job-hunting in the city. Wait - did I say he lives alone? Sorry, I meant he has no human company. Instead, he employs Man's Best Friends. We have heard of old women having thousands of cats in their houses, but in this movie Alok Nath has many DOGS in his house to keep him company. In one scene, the postman brings him a telegram which informs him that his daughter died in the city.

Alok Nath doesn't seem to be very sad (as Shivaji Ganesan would have been in such a situation). Unfortunately, we all know that Alok Nath is not capable of exerting himself be it happiness, anger or sadness. But, he tries his best, starts to cry, goes into the house, and is talking to the dogs:

"Arrey Tommy, arrey Bozo, aaj tak jo tumse pyar karti thi, woh khud Allah ko pyari ho gayi...."

Once again, at this point, you wonder, how the FUCK did someone write those dialogues? We need to find the people that wrote these dialogues, and give them the Nobel prize for literature, then have a public lynching sort of thing where in front of all the other writers, we splay their hands open and nail each finger to a wooden desk. But seriously, this is one of the most hilarious scenes ever.