Why do I hate "Good Acting"?

Ever since cave-dwellers south of the Krishna river along the Coromandel Coast started squiggling on cave walls with blunt instruments, they have been asking me this question: Why do I hate "good acting"? To be more specific, WHY DO I HATE KAMAL HAASAN?

Kamal Haasan, who is lovingly referred to by his greatest fans as "Kemel Saar" (simply because all of his greatest fans are illiterate and can not pronounce words the way they are supposed to be pronounced), is an asshole. I finally have proof to support my accusation. Douchebags who take themselves THIS seriously, while they bite Bong actress butt and ham profusely in Godfather ripoffs can NOT be considered actors at all.

Before I present said pictorial evidence in front of the public courts, I have to explain a term we use frequently. Remember the mid-80s and early-90s ads for Digjam Suiting and Shirting starring Shekar Kapoor? "Suitings for the Connoisseur", they proclaimed. The original ad stars Shekar Kapoor just walking down a road, alone at first. Slowly, he starts gathering followers dressed, like him, in Digjam Suitings and Shirtings. Then there's the Raymond's ads, with the caption, "The Complete Man". The complete man in these ads was always in those overly pseud poses: one hand supporting the chin, looking into the distance. It got worse in the mid-90s with the ad that had some douchebag male model sitting on the rocks next to the Arabian sea, in some stupid meditation pose, and the ad asked us, "Have you ever felt one with the universe?".... That just made me laugh my ass off. If THAT douche was feeling one with the universe, well, there wasn't really very much the universe had to offer me.

References to people in pictures with such pseud poses (especially photographs of authors on the jacket of hardcover novels) were henceforth referred to as "Digjam" poses, and dudes in scenes depicting any well-dressed asshole doing things like playing horse polo or beach volleyball, painting a landscape, playing the violin for his mom on her birthday (you know the ad I am talking about!) came to be referred to as Complete Men. They were One with the Universe, they were.

What is Kemel Saar's speciality? His stupid shiteating smirk and the thing that he does with his nostrils - inhaling deep before the picture is taken so that it looks like he has a very thin nose. This is especially obvious when he is clean-shaven. Example: The national integration song, "Mile Sur Mera Tumhara", where the 100% blue-blooded homosexual Tamil singer with lipstick starts singing his Tam version of Mile Sur, and they show Kemel Saar as one of the spectators to this farce, sitting on what is probably a stretch of secluded beach along what is now East Coast Road, with one hand on his chin (Digjam), his shiteating grin turned on (Asshole alert), and his nose deeply cavitated (Complete Man).

That said, here are some Digjam shots of Kemel Saar that Rediff.com was gracious enough to host. Picture number 3 comes closest to Kemel Saar's expression during the Mile Sur... Tamil song. He's even near a water body!



Hello, Charu? I need acting lessons. You're too busy? Well, I guess I could do my stock retard character. That ALWAYS wins me awards.

Hmm... I don't remember... have I exploited her yet? What does her ass taste like?
I LOVED that cavity search they gave me when I had that beard... Even better than when they administered electro-shock to my balls in that Tamil ripoff of the Hindi ripoff of Three Kings.


Shouldn't someone thirty years younger than me be doing this movie and getting his or her picture taken in this pose?

Hello, random white guy I am passing on my way to the airport shitter. Just act like you know me, so it looks like I am famous in Whiteland. See how the coat can barely contain my rippling stomach... uh... muscles?















Above: A complete list of Kemel movies that SHOULD have won him Best Actor awards.


For more shits and giggles, I recommend that you read the shit that is in the Rediff article. Its almost as if they were Linda Lovelace to Kemel Saar's Harry Reems.

Now, I happen to think that these pictures say it all, and they should be my only defense. But I know there are a lot of you out there who probably had hard-ons when they saw the pictures here. For you, I have to say that yes, there ARE two films that I thought Kemel was tolerable in. Michael, Madan, Kama, Raju (You would think that FOUR Kemels would have given me Irritable Bowel Syndrome for a few weeks. I know, I was surprised, too! It probably had to do with the facts that (a) I was too young to hate it and (b) it DID feature Pravin Kumar as Bheem-boay.) and the Tamil dub/ripoff of the Telegu ripoff of Kevin Kline's Dave, Indran Chandran.



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