My "Srinivasan Instinct" is tingling, I smell bullshit

Just when I thought I couldn't hate Kemel Saar fans any more than I already do, this glorious bunch of assholes proves me wrong. Let's have a look at the Wikipedia entry for Kamal Haasan, shall we?

First of all, the Kamal Haasan Wikipedia entry has been tagged for using peacock terms and for not citing its sources. No surprises there: if I were performing oral sex on someone, I wouldn't waste time citing sources for the bullshit praise I come up with, either. By the way, for the purposes of the rest of this discussion, we will refer to Kemel Saar fans as Kemel Saar-ckers, because of their fellatious tendencies toward Kemel Saar.

Let's look through some other things on this page. First, some Kemel roles from the 1970s:
During the 1970s, he has played a host of characters that include:
# a ventriloquist in Avargal (He actually learnt ventriloquism for his role in the movie)
Of course, the "art" of ventriloquism was hard for Kemel to learn, because he had to shove his hand up a puppet's ass and keep his mouth shut while he made irritating noises - this is VERY different from when he sinks his teeth into Rani Mukherjee's ass cheeks, or makes annoying noises with his mouth open. Holy shit, Kemel Saar *actually* spent time learning how to keep his mouth shut while he annoyed the shit out of me. Let's give him his national award, already. He proposed marriage using his fucking puppet, you hear me? What's the ETA on that Oscar?
Continuing our journey through the 1970s, we come across another Kemel role:
# a disco jockey in Ilamai Oonjaladugiradhu
What the FUCK is a disco jockey?
Memorable characters portrayed by Kemel Saar in the 2000's include:
# a deaf circus stuntman in Mumbai Express at the age of 51
Now that's a reach. You might think that Kemel Saar pulls these roles out of his ass, but Kemel Saarckers will tell you there's a method to the seeming madness. And here it is, presented for the first time:

Kemel Saar's character salad bar

What character will Kemel Saar play next? You decide! Match an adjective from column 1 to a noun in column 2:

Column 1 Column 2
Deaf Violinist
Dumb Ventriloquist
Blind Revolutionary
Retarded Mayor
Old Nanny
Deranged Villager
Randy Circus stuntman
Buck-toothed Doctor
Rustic Quadtruplets
Innocent Midget
Benevolent Police officer
Honest Communist
Illiterate Hindu fundamentalist
Mentally-Challenged Sri Lankan
Righteous Spy
Corrupt Classical dancer
Modern youth turned Mafioso


How to justify ripoffs
Here's another excerpt from the Wikipedia page, under the heading, "Hollywood Remakes":
Kamal has an uncanny ability to remake Hollywood movies in Tamil. His remakes are not lift-offs. His remakes are usually inspired by Hollywood originals, but the story and screenplay are customized for Indian Audiences. The central plot/theme of the movie is from the Hollywood original, Nayagan was inspired by Godfather. Avvai Shanmugi and Chachi 420 were inspired by Mrs. Doubtfire. Anbe Sivam was inspired by Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Sathi Leelavathi was inspired by She-Devil (film) and Magalir Mattum was inspired by Nine to Five. VasoolRaja MBBS and MunnaBhai MBBS were inspired by the Robin Williams film Patch Adams.

Why is it "uncanny" when someone does a Hollywood remake? It isn't rocket science, asshole. If it were, more Indian films would have ORIGINAL stories instead of the same old shit that they import from Hollywood. In fact, any ass-clown with an opposable thumb, a DVD player and his dad's money can remake a Hollywood film. In fact, you don't even need an opposable thumb. And there's nothing special about ANY of the shitty films that are listed above. So shove your uncanny ability up your ass.
His remakes are not lift-offs [sic] Yeah, douchebag, mainly because they display a failure to launch.
His remakes are usually inspired by Hollywood originals, but the story and screenplay are customized for Indian Audiences
In other words, according to this asshole, there's no difference between Kemel Saar and any of the myriad douchebag DJs whose idea of remixing an old Hindi song consits of adding the occasional "Unh! Yeah! Yeah!" to the track, and the rest is left to the music video that will feature ugly tattooed bleached-blonde bitches with too much makeup and glitter. Newsflash, jackass: ANYONE can take something that already exists and add what they would like to call "a new flavour" to it. People have been doing it since way before your forefathers stopped sucking off VaaOooCee and started blowing Kemel Saar. Consider the thousands of shitty-ass Broadway musicals that murder classic films, TV shows and books everyday. Or, for that matter, the gazillion remixes of Hindi film songs that have crowded the market in the past 5-7 years, making it hard for me to separate the cream from the crap.
If it was hard to do, there wouldn't be as many people doing it, now, would there? Fucking Kemel Saarckers.
As far as "customizing for Indian Audiences" goes, it's not an artistic decision, Einstein, it's a necessity. "Customizing the story for Indian Audiences" only means that they added extra masala to it, and this doesn't qualify them for the next Padmashri, because "Indian Audiences", just like audiences elsewhere, are insular retards with terrible taste. Taste and intellegence aside, why would an Indian connect with your film if it consisted of a bunch of Indian people doing things Indians wouldn't be caught dead doing? (I realize that I am speaking too soon. In fact, a lot of Hindi movies in the recent past have their protagonists doing exactly this - playing American football or baseball while their cheerleader heroines egg them on during a song sequence, for instance) If you don't Indianize, you lose. And how does this customizing happen? You add a couple dozen shitty garish song and dance numbers, with (in the case of Tamil "cinema") gibberish words in the chorus (so that for the next three semesters, assholes who got into Pachchayappa's can irritate women on Maanagara Perundu buses with this gobbledygook), and the dozen shots of some random middle-aged bitch crying and "emoting" in a screechy voice, and half a dozen scenes with some guy who can only loosely be described as a comedian, doing routines that were stale when Pharaoh Tuthmosis banned "where's the second banana?" jokes, and let's not forget the five scenes where the hero spews rhetoric to the general illiterate public so that they can be inspired and give up smoking and womanizing. (This after about twenty minutes of the hero himself wanders around town following some girl singing a song about the size of her... fruits)
There's your customization.
If you stuck to the original Hollywood movie, you'd actually be doing us all a favour, because the movie would end sooner than later, without any of the inane songs or comedy routines we would have to suffer through.
Lastly, it's not a Hollywood remake if you copied from another Indian film that copied from a Hollywood remake, your not-so-justification doesn't work in that case, either. Munnabhai MBBS may have been "inspired" by Patch Adams, but let me tell you something: Patch Adams was an awful, awful film. Munnabhai, on the other hand, is actually halfway to tolerable. After someone else did the hard work for you, you went ahead and made it shittier by remaking it in Tamil and featuring Kemel Saar in it. That's your uncanny ability? It's like the jackal that waits for the lion to do the hard work, and when the lion has had its fill, enjoys the leftovers. And people who worship such jackals are jackoffs.

Lastly, my favourite creepy Wiki entry on this page. Among Kamal's "diverse" roles in the 2000's is listed the following:
# as DCP Raghavan, a smart and suave policeman with his "Raghavan instinct" out to trace a serial psychopath killer duo.....
Ahahahahahahaahahaha, that's shady. "Raghavan instinct". Well, I have the "Srinivasan instinct", and I smell bullshit. I thought I disliked Kemel Saar because he acts like he's all that on his interviews, but at least he's not as much of a douche as some of his fans. I can't believe I actually said something nice about him. There, you happy now?

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