Death scenes that leave nothing to be
desired
"Main tujhe kutte ki maut maroonga" is an oft-repeated line in the
movies. Here are some death scenes where a certain actor/actress or a
group of actors/actresses kicks the bucket. Big deal, you say, what's
funny about someone croaking? I agree, there is nothing funny about
people dying. Except, for some reason, Bollywood often has these ideas
about death scenes that THEY think render more seriousness to the
scene, and it leaves me thinking, "How the FUCK did they keep a
straight face when they filmed this?!" So, anyway, here's a list
(as always, incomplete):
Maa Tujha Salaam:
During my recent trip to India, I was watching this movie on cable
television. It stars Sunny Deol and Tabu as a married couple in the
army, stationed in Kashmir on the Indo-Pak border. Arbaaz Khan is a
local who befriends the couple and helps them uncover terrorist cells
in the region and prevent further incursions into Indian territory.
But, the death scene we are going to discuss doesn't concern any of
these magaa-idiots. It concerns Sharad Saxena (you may remember him as
Daga of the Daga-Teja duo from Mr. India).
The scene begins with a close-up of an ancient transistor radio, with
Ameen Sayani's familiar voice saying something like, "Aur, bhaiyyon aur
behnon, is agle gaane ki farmaish ki hai hamaare fauji bhaiyyon ne..."
(This next song was requested by the following soldiers) and proceeds
to rattle off two or three names, the last of them being Sharad
Saxena's character's name. As soon as this happens, the camera zooms
out, showing a very happy SS, who jumps out of his foxhole (Oh yeah, SS
and his group of armymen are hidden in foxholes on the Indo-Pak border
in Kashmir), yelling ecstatically, "Arrey! Mera gaana aa gaya! Mera
gaana aa gaya!"... hearing his joy, the whole company jumps out of
hiding and joins him, "Arrey! Iska gaana aa gaya, iska gaana aa
gaya!"... BANG! BANG! RATATATATATATATAT! BANG!
Yes, friends and neighbours, all of a sudden, without warning (because,
I am told, that is how terrorists operate, which is why you should stay
in your fucking foxhole at all times!), approaching terrorists kill off
each and every armyman in Sharad Saxena's company. This starts out at
normal speed, but, under the misapprehension that they could make the
"tragedy" last longer, the makers of this movie decided to "shoot" the
rest of this scene in slow motion.
What song, you ask, was requested by Sharad Saxena and two more
faultless armymen? Fear not, friends, it starts playing as soon as the
slow motion killing begins:
"Kar chale ham fida (BANG!) jan-o-tan saathiyon (RATATATAT), Ab tumhare
hawale (BANG!) vatan saathiyon (RATATATATATATATAT)...."
I want to meet ONE person associated with this scene who kept a
straight face when they had this scene described to them before they
filmed it.
Mohra: Come on,
now, if you're at least 20, you know this movie simply because of the
song, "Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast". You might think that song
is all the movie has to offer. I thought so, too. But recently, I found
out I was wrong. The movie is named "Mohra" (pawn) because Sunil
Shetty's character in the movie is an unsuspecting pawn in the hands of
a BLIND, rich industrialist newspaper-owner Mr. Jindal, played by
Naseeruddin Shah. Raveena Tandon is a journalist for this newspaper,
and Akki is just a cop trying to solve a rash of murders of famous
underworld figures. Throughout the movie, Mr. Jindal is dressed in
formal wear, with his blind-man's cane and dark glasses. And then,
close to the climax, he announces to Raveena Tandon that he's not
really blind, hahaha. And starting that scene, he is suddenly dressed
in the cheesiest cowboy outfit that Raju Dresswala could find. Once
they're done shooting the Raveena Tandon song, "Main Cheez Badi Hoon
Mast Mast", Akki starts chasing NS with a gun. NS runs away with
RT, slaps her, seats her forcefully in the backseat of his car, and
turns around to confront Akki without a gun. Luckily for NS, Sunil
Shetty comes by with his gun, and without too much protest, loses in a
fistfight with Cowboy NS, and NS holds SS hostage. The scene unfolds:
NS: Inspector, agar iski jaan pyaari hai, to apni bandook phenk do!
SS: Nai, inspector, goli maar do ise!
RT (from inside the car): Naheeinn!
(Akki thinks, and drops his gun)
NS: Ha ha ha, Inspector, ab main jo bhi boloonga, tum karoge!
SS: Nai, inspector, goli maar do ise!
RT (from inside the car): Naheeinn!
NS: Inspector, apne ghutne teko!
SS: Nai, inspector, goli maar do ise!
RT (from inside the car): Naheeinn!
(Akki falls to his knees)
NS: Inspector, apni naak zameein pe ragdo!
SS: Nai, inspector, goli maar do ise!
RT (from inside the car): Naheeinn!
(Akki rubs his nose in the sand)
NS: Ha ha ha! Inspector, ab khade ho jaao!
SS: Nai, inspector, goli maar do ise!
RT (from inside the car): Naheeinn!
(Akki stands up)
NS: Apne aap ko tamacha maro!
SS: Nai, inspector, goli maar do ise!
RT (from inside the car): Naheeinn!
(Akki slaps himself)
NS: Aur zor se maro, Inspector!
SS: Nai, inspector, goli maar do ise!
RT (from inside the car): Naheeinn!
(Akki slaps himself harder)
NS: AUR zor se!
SS: Nai, inspector, goli maar do ise!
RT (from inside the car): Naheeinn!
(You see where this is going)
(A few more slaps later...)
NS: Inspector, apni patloon utaro!
(Akki reaches for his belt and loosens it)
(Sunil Shetty reaches for NS's gun, AND SHOOTS HIMSELF AND DIES!)
Moral of the story: Just like the rest of us, Sunil Shetty has a limit:
he will tolerate anything, but can NOT tolerate what is inside Akki's
pants.
More to come!
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